Speaking from my own experience I never once lost interest in sex or felt emasculated. For me it was just so annoyingly frustrating that I could get so mentally aroused but have no physical way of expressing that arousal.

You will find every kind of emotional response to the traumatic impact of PC on sex lives on this forum. Ultimately only you 2 can make your "new normal" work for you both. Keep searching and try and get the ignorant old git to talk!

Men can have very different attitudes concerning sexual relations after radical treatment to the point that they sometimes switch off and don't wish to discuss. It has even resulted in the break up of marriages in some cases as reported by members. Whilst I appreciate you have and are doing what you can to 'encourage' your man. It could be that what you are proposing might emphasise his inability to perform, even to a lesser extent but you are in the best position to know he is likely to react. Obviously, you don't want to make the situation worse. Really, you need to have a meaningful and forthright discussion with him on the way you both feel and wish to try to improve this part of your relationship but as we have seen on this forum over the years, it can be difficult to get an affected man to engage even in doing this. Sometimes, it can help to get a skilled professional involved but not all men are prepared to take this route. Is there a support group in your area?

Edited by member 03 Nov 2022 at 14:30  | Reason: Not specified

As a female, I don't know how he does it and ask myself sometimes, "is he really ok with it"?  Maybe I'm trying to get a man to open up, who doesn't need to open up.  I would love for him to speak with someone, but he would see it as being weak.  Thank you.

" I wonder if there has been a study on the adverse effect on the "quality of life" of men (and their spouses) following prostate cancer treatment."

Yes, there is a standard QoL questionnaire which BAUS urologists are encouraged to use with RP patients. That's how they are able to publish the data on things like % of men with incontinence 12 months post-op. John's surgeon asked him to complete it pre-op snd then at each review appointment for about the first 5 years I think, or maybe longer. He then read it and talked to us about the responses- how the continence and ED was going, exercise & fitness and how J was feeling. He once told me that while he is going through the QoL questionnaire with the man, he always watches the face of the wife/ partner because many men minimise the impact and say things are okay but the wife's face sometimes tells a different story. Like most other BAUS surgeons, our urologist publishes that data annually.

Yours is heart rending story. It occurs to me that picture you paint is not complete. Several questions occur to me: What was your intimate relationship like before this tragic episode?  Did you have sex just to please him? Did you indulge in penetrative sex (at present you are willing and he accepts the pleasure of oral sex)? Does he masturbate? Is he incontinent? With some help he can easily find a suitable treatment or method to overcome his ED. These and many other question have to be asked and answered before you can make some progress. I think, like me, most people here would have difficulty to give any advice. I think, if you husband is willing, you could go for couples counselling or sex therapy. There is help out there.

I had the surgery 11 years ago and I know how it seemed to my wife and I that it was end of life as we knew it. Following successful surgery we had to face incontinence and ED. I am still a little leaky and suffer from ED for any practical use. I use a vacuum pump to achieve erection. However, my wife and I decided to try everything  to reestablish our successful relationship for over 50 years at the time and now we continue to enjoy our life together.

My wife read your posting and your problem with vaginal dryness.She would like to say something that may help:

A great discovery for us was a particular type of vaginal moisturiser called YES VM. At my age, although I use Wellsprings Serenity Natural Progesterone Cream for Women (wellsprings-health.com), a plant-based hormone replacement cream. For penetrative sex I use amazing lubricating product which can be found by googling yesyesyes.org. I kid you not! It is organic, has no side effects and is better that KY jelly which is rather heavy. I am really allergic and reactive type and if I can tolerate it so will most people. Do have a look.

 Before our discovery of this product, because after prostatectomy his penis does not receive natural lubrication he had to use water-based lubricant like KY Jelly for our comfort. We found this quite unsatisfactory because either he ended up using too much (for my comfort) which he found too slippery to achieve an orgasm or too little which helped him but not too comfortable for me. But the introduction of YES VM solved the problem because I could control the amount of lubricant I insert (YES lubricant comes in a one time use tube) and he uses none. And by trial and error we have been able to control the level of lubricant to suit both of us, such that it is comfortable for me but not too slippery for him; win win!  Another benefit of using this lubricant is that he really likes the feel of my vagina and he says it feels like old times!

We hope you can find some help.

Hi just after three years ED nurse got me in to try Alprostadil injection. So far so good and an hour of erection! Pump was in use prior to injection daily for keeping penis healthy also for penetration. For future will work erections with pump only sex and occasional injection for sex. I can report I had no side effects of injection to date.

We also bought a strap on penis for me and weirdly almost feel the silicon imposter is myself.

It might be worth bringing injection into conversation via ED nurse.

Hopefully he will come round.

Brgds

I also had my 3rd anniversary just a couple of weeks ago. I have found that my recovery is still ongoing. I had been told "use it or lose it" and that if it wasn't better by 24 months it was over. However my erectile function improved a LOT during year 3 and I believe it is still getting better at the beginning of year 4. 

What has helped me is to continue with whatever solo and partnered sexual activity is possible, and enjoy that to the max. I am (slowly) learning not to demand to have it back exactly the way it was, but to adapt to my and our "new normal" as you put it. Glad you are still looking for more improvement, I believe there is a good chance it will.

Hi I managed to get it through my doctor on prescription. Five injections in pack. And five pack once a month. More successful than Caverjet and way less hassle to administer. 

Edited by member 10 Mar 2023 at 19:17  | Reason: More info