Ever Decreasing Circles part three

Good result for you Paul, let's hope you have more good results over the weekend?

dave

Same here Paul.  Barely a drop touches my lips. ;-)

dave

I know love but it amused me to say it!

CB - yeah, right!

Julie, I am teetotal having had only a sip of sherry in March 1984. However, I have recently been considering trying some - everyone I know seems to find that getting lashed helps with all sorts of problems.

Two weeks on from the RT and I think my right leg is feeling better, certainly the sharp pain has not been experienced for a week now. I had dropped off the pain killers but then found my left femur is now painful so back on the pain relief. I guess that will be another conversation with onco next week when I will also get CT Scan results.

Regular readers will recall I have had a 'pain in the bum' for about three years. This was diagnosed as an ishygluteal bursitis and I was referred to orthopaedics recently to see if an steroid injection would help. I had delayed this appointment as the other pain in the leg had rather trumped this one. Today went for rearranged appointment. I have to say I was very impressed with the orthopaedic practitioner I saw. From the moment I described the symptoms to him he was sceptical that it was bursitis at all. In fact one symptom, pain when walking more than 30-40 yards he felt indicating this was not bursitis. So we went through my three bone scans and he feels that the likely cause of this problem is the bone mets in the pubic bone, the cause of the mega pain recently. The more we talked the more I felt he was correct and that probably all along the minor pain was a prelude to this more severe bout recently. So I have been cured of bursitis!

Be interesting seeing the onco next week for a review of the scans and the latest pain and see what's next. I have felt really tired since the RT plus the fatigue from the HT so it's been a hard few weeks. Still the sun is shining, cricket is on the TV and off to Scarborough to watch Yorkshire on Sunday so hopefully with my trusty pain killers I will have a few days respite before my consultation.

So the scores are in. I saw a different onco today but she was as engaged and informative as her colleague and knew my situation so it was a good and rounded discussion. Good news abounds, CT SCAN shows no evidence at all of any spread in any soft tissue so this is great news. The same as three and a half years ago. My PSA still stable at 27 so it's been in the mid twenties for six months so no hike there and my right leg is slowly feeling better in response to the RT. So carry on with casodex and keep enzo in the box for now.

I went feeling a little down, the RT + HT has really tired me the last few weeks so my spirits were not at their highest and on Saturday my good friend, Mr UTI joined me again though I caught it early. So I was concerned that the results would continue the downward trend. But no they could not be better, given the events of the last few weeks.

I feel much more in touch with my onco's and they take time to discuss, explain and listen. All I ever ask for really. So if I did not have an infection I would have a drink tonight. Back in Scarborough for the last day's cricket tomorrow. Not on wifi much here but home tomorrow so back to normal then.

After the ashes performance and the Yorkshire boys in the squad doing so well you must be buzzing ... as Lyn said we can put the knives away for now we will keep them sharp just in case. Xxx

Mo

My best wishes.

Bazza

Thanks everyone for your kind words. The rollercoaster continues, it is rarely dull! I meant to say yesterday that I had been reading some of the blogs which Oliver Sachs wrote on death and dying before his death recently. Some words he wrote struck a chord with me over the recent weeks. He said:

'I could deny it before, but I know I am ill now'

Though I have never denied the reality of my diagnosis what struck me was that my recent problems with my right leg was the first time I had something I could identify which was directly related to the cancer. All the things I struggle with - tiredness, sore nipples, flushes, fatigue, self catherisation, etc - are a consequence of the treatments I receive. Suddenly I had extreme pain which was a one-to-one connection with the cancer. I could see it on my bone scan and feel it in my leg. The words of Sachs were so relevant. I know we can suffer from pain and I will do again as the cancer moves on but often it feels like a silent killer. There in my system but quiet and unobtrusive. At those times it is easy to believe it does not really exist but I have always tried to resist that as I know it is there. This time I got a proper reminder.

All this leads me on to a decision I have made in recent weeks. Friends on here will know I had decided to try and stay at work until I passed away allowing my children to benefit from death in service benefits. I love my work and could not see me retiring. I have been strong about this for most of the three and a half years of this struggle. However the timeline has been mercifully longer than I could have anticipated and I find myself moving towards a natural retirement age. Maybe after all I could retire. The fatigue and now the leg pain hastened that decision plus a few issues with work. So after nearly six months of, at times, tense negotiations and not really achieving what I wanted financially I have agreed to step down probably from next April. This is such a big decision for me but it has been helped by a role I have recently taken up which, though unpaid, will allow me to continue to engage in the working world I know and love. My university are allowing me some space to develop this role whilst still working and so I am grateful for that. I am hoping that there will be some time to enjoy this retirement when it comes and am so relieved that my children are fully behind me doing this as it will impact on what I can give to them.

This is a big move for me and I need to prepare myself thoroughly over the next eight months, I just hope I can stay well whilst making this transition.

Thanks for the thoughts Dave. I guess I have a particular attitude to work-life balance. I don't like the concept as I don't have a division in my life which conforms to that divide. It sets one up against the other. I try to encompass what I believe in and what I think is important. So I was a single parent when my kids were just 2 and 4 and now they are 32 and 34 and I have never stinted on the time I spend with them. But I realised early on when on my own that the work I did was important too and so I worked hard at both endeavours probably at the expense of a love life if I am honest but otherwise it was such a fulfilling time.

I still believe there are things in my work life I want to influence. My daughter said to me when I told her I was considering retirement that 'I am worried you will just sit and home and go downhill'. That is a real worry and I take her point hence fortunate to have one outlet already.

I know I will have more time and I have to learn how to use it. My day is smaller though, I am too tired to pack in as much as I used to do. So having less in my day will help that. Whilst I need to plan for the change I also need to plan knowing the time frame is small, one or two years maybe a little more? How you tackle that is not easy and will be exercising my thinking until next April! Any guidance helpful!