PSA 7.3 - referred to urologist

Hello AC. Yes, the DRE beforehand (this was done 2 weeks ago) may have increased the PSA, but it had dropped from 7.9 (6 weeks ago) to 5.9 in 3 weeks. No confusion over DRE/Biopsy. My point was that I sat in a nurse's office and said I wanted to speak to a consultant about my MRI result (performed the previous week) because I had no info on it before going to have my biopsy. 

He came in and I sort of broke down (you can imagine) and said my MRI was not clear (I would not have been called in for biopsy had the MRI revealed PIRAD level 1 or 2) and obviously I have PCa etc etc. 

He then said that I should calm down (sounded like John on here) and that yes, my PIRAD was showing level 4 with some overlap (or something like that) with PIRAD 3. I sort of knew that PIRAD 4 and 5 were bad news so I broke down again with the sort of "what's the point" blubbering. He said that sometimes it didn't mean PCa and I countered that 4 and 5 were "given" as being cancer. He got a bit annoyed at this point and almost implied that I thought I was some kind of amateur urologist. He said it was good that the PSA had dropped rather than having risen and he also said that the MRI had shown the areas of suspicion to be contained within the prostate. 

So, I did the biopsy (with a different urologist) and he said PIRAD 3 or 4 did not necessarily mean cancer. I didn't believe him on the Level 4 and I then googled it all to death (Harvard journals, PIRAD 4 false-positives, Cancer forums, basically any data I could find). On forums, some said PIRAD 4 was 80% likely cancer and on one journal that came down to one study (of over 1000 men) of 55% Pca and 34% clinically significant PCA.

To conclude, I am now beside myself having convinced myself that PIRAD 4 means definite (I shall ignore that stupid word "likely") clinically significant cancer. These MP-MRI scans are supposed to be the business and the radiologist has deemed me PIRAD 3 and 4 (probably separate lesions) and now I am back to my diazepam with a bang.

Sorry for the essay AC & it is good to hear from you again.

H

Hi Chris. As usual, you are right. I dunno why I have been like I have. I kept hoping too much, I guess. I am in a slightly better place now that I have (almost) conceded that I have PCa. I will want to go down the RP route, although I know survival rates are pretty identical with the other treatments. I am in the "I just want it out" camp and I just hope that I can 'get it up' at a later date and that nappies these days don't cost too much. I hope that my optimism about it being localised isn't premature, but with the MRI scan showing this and the PSA at 5.9, I think it is.

Good to hear from you again, H.

Morning John, up early again I see. Anyway, I have stopped diagnosing myself - I have made my final diagnosis. My results' day will be mere confirmation tbh. Always good to hear from you old bean.

H

Hi Bob. Did you see my latest question? How do you deal with it?

H

Thanks Bob - I get all you say. I am not certain I can ever get to a stage where it isn't ruining my life. Indeed, I will go further and say that if I did not have my wife and son then I would not wish to continue with life per se. Sounds dramatic, but this is where I am at. I'd love to snap out of it and be positive like people I know tell me to be, but I can't - it's alien to me to be positive when my life bubble as been burst.

I sort of began to feel "okay" about it all when I read the survival rates for localised PCa (5 years nearly 100%; 10 years 98%; 15 years 95%), but I don't think these percentages can possibly be factoring in the recurrence element and the potential for spread and metastasis. I just know that the level of stress will never subside in the knowledge that every 3 months or 6 months, whatever it bloody is, I have to find out if my PSA is still undetectable.

F it all.

H

Cool. I apologise for being Mr Malcontent on almost every post - people have tired of me and I don't blame them. This forum though offers a certain solace because I am only interested in speaking to people who are going, or have gone, through this. Others do their utmost to empathise, but they can't - I wouldn't be able to. 

Did you see Janet's post? PSA 30 and PIRAD 4 and still got the all clear; I should be so lucky....but I won't be.

H

I didn't think I could possibly be helping anyone on here! I would not blame you or anyone if they told me to "stop banging on and to man up". I am sure many have bitten their lips on more than one occasion reading my incessant brand of morbidity. Hearing my crap, when I am yet to be properly diagnosed requires people to be ultra-tolerant of me. I think I will ultimately go one of two ways - decide to say f..k it and just get on with it in the way you, Chris, John and Luther sort of tell me to or I will wither away.

I guess it takes all sorts and I am at the wrong end of the "man up" scale. I wish you all the best, Bob, I really do and I thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Okay, need to stop moving into my other mode - soppiness.

H

Wife has been a rock, despite me being a piece of grit. Son is holding up, although he'd never seen me cry before and I lost it when he came back from Uni last weekend. It is for them that I must pull myself together - this might not be fair on me, or anyone else who I utterly respect on this forum but it is not fair on the two people I love in this world to see me like I am. So kind of you to ask & bless you for doing so.

H

Maybe we should meet sometime? I agree with your words by the way.

H

We have teachers in our family a vice principal ( great teacher ) and a cousin who is an alcoholic for best reasons known to himself. He is a train wreck of a teacher who keeps losing jobs for obvious reasons. No one wants  their children taught by a train wreck as it is their future at stake and it behoves you to take responsibility and do what's right for them whatever the reason if you are not at the top of your game.

I believe Ulsterman you have taken a sabbatical which is good news for you and probably your pupils. Maybe Haig should consider the same. At least you are in the fortunate position that you remain on full pay for some time. Of course your health comes first but you do need to think of the children and not just muddle through.

Best regards

Ann

Does your Principal know of your situation. If so how are they supporting you?

Only you can know how much your worry is affecting your work or do you find it takes your mind off it.

As you have convinced yourself you have cancer before diagnosis maybe some CBT would help although it is probably too late to get that organised before you do know one way or the other. At least you do not have much longer to wait. I would say try to have a lovely Xmas in the meantime as others have but you do not seem able at the moment to think positively.

Best wishes

Ann

Thanks Ann. No. I am seriously thinking about taking my own life - only my family stops me from doing this.

H

Bob. Can I ring you?

Haig, please in the nicest possible way “get a grip” you will be no good to your wife and son if you take your life.

you don’t even know what the diagnosis is yet, and theres a chance it isn’t cancer. If it is cancer, there is things that can be done. 

I completely understand your worry and stress, this thing is life changing, but from what you’ve said, if you do have localised cancer, there’s lots to be done, look at the many courageous men on here that have been given this diagnosis and are now getting on with their lives.

Come on Haig, yes it’s a shi* group to join, but if you have to, it’s not the end.

Please keep going, for the sake of your wife and son.

xx

Edited by member 23 Dec 2018 at 20:00  | Reason: Not specified

Ring the Samaratins if you need to talk to someone other than your family/ friends.

We all react in different ways when we get information that we find hard to cope with, keep of the drink that's not the best way just focus on all the positive things in your life, wait until you get all your results in then decide what treatment you need if any. My own experience was to take each day as it comes, some days you feel sorry for yourself but most of the time you just get on with it. 

My worry now, as I continue to sit around like a blubbering zombie (tearfulness comes and goes), is how I will react on January 8th. My PIRAD 4 score pretty much confirms it all anyway, but as much as I am expecting it, I still cannot see a way through the smog. If I get a favourable Gleason, that might help me by about 1%, but I spend much time reading different posts on here from so many brave people who fight this s*** disease. As all can see, I am not one of the brave. 

Hi Ann. I realised the pain I was causing wife and son - I thought they needed time away from me. But although initially it felt a bit better, I missed the two people I love more in the world (although I do love my mum, of course). I needed to come back. There will be no all clear - PIRAD 4 in PZ would only give that to a lucky little bunch. That is not me. I think I need to leave this forum because I am not worthy of it and people must despair when they see another of my pathetic posts.

I think you need to seek help from a health  professional asap as it does not seem to matter how much people try to be positive  on here  you do not seem to believe them given your state of mind.

If you truly love your family as much as you say you will seek help before your results. Have you told your mother how you feel?  Do you have any siblings you can confide in?  Please seek help as people on here might begin to wonder if you are genuine. Why would your family not go with you to your mother's on Xmas day. I would find that hard to fathom if you were my husband?

You need to do this for your families sake same as much as your own.

Best wishes