CHINA
Wow! It's been quiet on here!
Me and Mrs Spongebob have just returned from a trip of a lifetime – China! It is one positive impact of PCa, helping me to adopt a different perspective on life and that is to make the most of it. This includes taking the opportunity to explore the wider reaches of the world. Previously, such ambition was knocked on the head in favour of a Scrooge like mentality to scrimp and save until God knows what age I might achieve.
China is a vast country with 1.4 billion people. I can only comment on my experience of the areas I visited which covered Beijing, Xi’an, Guilin and Shanghai. It totally blew my mind. We are led to believe that the Chinese live miserable introverted grey lives, feeding off meagre rations of rice and all wearing the same drab clothes bought from the state-run shop. Also, that foreign visitors need to take heed and must avoid talking to any locals or taking videos and photos etc otherwise they might get arrested, etc, etc. It is true that they have restrictions and rules that make their lives different to us, but they do seem to just get on with it.
From what I experienced, China was anything but the above, it is totally different to anything that I was expecting. I saw vibrant, clean, busy, colourful cities full of life and with the widest array of shops imaginable. Fantastic stunning scenery. The people, all so welcoming and friendly. Top notch hotels and superb food for all tastes. There is a rich heritage and culture to explore with obviously the great Wall and the Terracotta army being perfect examples. They have a vast array of modern buildings amongst the historical. The Shanghai skyline could easily make up the backdrop to a Star Trek movie. I sat on a bullet train doing 300km/ph, eating up the miles in no time and also on the Maglev, a train with no wheels that is capable of 450 km/ph that runs between airport and Shanghai city (how we could do with a couple of them in the UK!). Also, when compared to the UK everything is cheap as chips! People will spend more for a 2 week stay on the beach on the Costa del Sol than I did to see China. China is absolutely incredible, amazing, wonderful. If you get the chance, then you must go.
There is much that I could say about my trip but to avoid going OTT I’ll just tell you about my trip to the Great Wall. We visited this incredible construction at Juyongguan which is not far outside Beijing. It was one of those very cold days with clear blue sky. We got there early to avoid the crowds in fact we were amongst the first. On getting off the coach the sight of the wall climbing steeply high on both sides of a valley is truly awe inspiring. Juyongguan is actually a pass, a break in the line of hills. You can walk up either side of the valley, but each way is steep.
Of course we had to take on the steepest side, I don’t know why, maybe the guide thought that the views are better or it might be that he was a proper sadist of Mongolian descent. It was the Mongols that the wall was intended to keep out, to stop them from their rape and pillage raids. Whereas the Mexicans hire the magnificent seven to deal with a similar problem the Chinese build a great wall. It is ‘Great’ as well, incredible, but it is steep. Climbing up the steps, I was very quickly knackered and puffing away in exhaustion. I was jealous of younger types who were able to march up quickly, made worse by the knowledge that in my day I would have been the same. I used to be able to mount up mountains like a goat, but alas, not anymore, instead I plodded on, one foot slowly in front of the other.
I reckon they should rename the ‘Great Wall’ to be the ‘Great Steps’, there were hundreds of them, high and steep. Along the wall there is a series of watch towers, giving you something to aim for as you climb up. Mrs Spongebob did really well she could climb faster than me but after reaching the first watch tower her head for heights got the better of her. Fearing that she might struggle to get back down she decided to return whilst I plodded on. I actually reached watch tower eleven which I later calculated to be over 1000ft from the start and that was after an hour. The views were spectacular, I could see the wall snaking it’s way for miles over the hills, a wonderous sight.
Despite the exhaustion I was feeling quite good. On trips like this I always worry about the possibility of developing the trots, especially given the change in food and the bodily adjustment to the time zone. Playing on my mind was the meal that I’d enjoyed the previous evening. It was a delicious spicy garlic affair, tempered by the fact that the chicken was all bones. In fact, it was actually scrag ends of chicken, including chicken feet!
At watch tower eleven, I decided to turn back. I too was a little worried about how long it might take to get back down. I remember passing a toilet block but cared ‘not a jot’ as I looked around, enjoying the spectacular views. I was also pleased when I found that going down wasn’t too bad and that my knees were behaving themselves as I made my way down with relative ease passing many struggling folk. Then all of a sudden, my worst fears came true as I developed a heavy pain in the bottom of my stomach, and I sensed that urgent bodily functions had been awakened. Perhaps, due to the toil of climbing so many steps or perhaps being poisoned by scrag ends, who knows? I didn’t have the time to consult Dr Sraha Jarvis.
What to do? What to do? Things were beginning to get desperate; I quickly reached the stage where I urgently needed to make a hasty deposit but the toilet block, I’d passed was now too high up to go back whereas the toilet block back at the car park was also some way off. The wall wasn’t too busy, several nationalities scattered along it, but I could hardly squat down in the middle of the wall in full view. And in this day and age it probably, or almost certainly is not an acceptable protocol to hang my arse over the side of the Great Wall and drop my depth charges that way. It was a nightmare; my only feasible option was to continue heading downward walking like John Inman with buttocks clenched fiercely to hold back the inevitable.
I had a good view and I could the see the bottom of the steps, and even though I was making speedy progress it didn’t seem to get any nearer. I strained to maintain high concentration levels always on the look out for somewhere where I might be able to make an emergency poop. And absolutely, no way could I let out a fart for fear of it being something else. I mean, what do you do? If I poop my pants, what a nightmare that would be. The pain in my belly and the urge to poop actually came and went slightly, in waves, so I just concentrated on holding on when the urge was strongest. It is my body after all; I knew that with good concentration I should be able to manage it properly.
Amazingly, and with much relief I reached the bottom intact. I knew there was a toilet somewhere, but I couldn’t find it straightaway. I was bursting at this stage and my arse thinking that it had at last reached salvation was about to release it’s bombs. Would you know it, the bloody toilets turned out to be up a set of more steps! There was security guard standing at the top of the steps bored out of his skull and credit to him as when he saw me, instead of laughing he pointed the way to the loo. I dashed in, taking off my coat, unfastening my clothes in mid-flight, chose my trap and dropped my tweeds in the nick of time. What a relief!
Crikey! I was in there for a good 15 minutes! God knows what was going on with my insides. It took a few Imodiums to sort it out. Just as the wife was about to send in a search party, I made my appearance as if nothing untoward had happened at all 😁.
It is fabulous, the ‘Great Wall’ or ‘Great Steps’ – you must go see it.
Spongebob