Mr Angry, I cannot, will not, offer words or advice regarding your Prostate cancer because I have no personal experience of your journey, horrendous as it is, but I am sure, No - I am positive, that those men who understand you will respond and will do so with genuine feeling for you.
On your other issues, well what can anyone say.
Your life has sucked and continues to suck. None of this is your fault. The people you want to kick out at are no longer around to enable you to inflict the sort of punishment you feel they deserve.
Your mother was a victim too.
It was probably very hard for her to admit what her husband had put her through.
What mother wants to inflict the thought of his father raping his mother on a son. Perhaps she thought she was protecting you. Perhaps the idea of sending you away to school was to protect you. She could not have foreseen that you would have "victim" written on your head and would be the prey of another abuser.,
None of us can know what ran through her mind. I would think most of us would find walking in your shoes (both past and present) very difficult but the only one who can control your situation is you.
We can offer you all the support we are capable of and I certainly do, but I am not a counsellor, just an ordinary person who has also had her share of life's unfairness, as indeed do a lot on here.
Your anger has to come out or it will fester and destroy you.
Are you going to let the b******s who ruined your life win. Will they actually take everything from you? Will you allow that
Yes they will. People like you've described have no empathy for others, no love, no saving graces. They are just destroyers but they win if we allow ourselves to be destroyed.
You have a loving partner, somebody you want to marry so presumably somebody who is sharing your load and your journey. Will you make her a victim too because you want to give up?
For a lot of us women it feels like failure when we can't get through to our men. If you are in a loving partnership then the journey has to be shared so that the burden can be halved.
If you have not had a response to your oncology nurse's request for counselling then follow it up. There are many reasons why you haven't heard, the easiest answer being a simple mistake and her request has been overlooked.
You get no joy through her then go to your GP. Don't. please don't assume that nobody cares because that is a sweeping statement and isn't true.
We care. It's why this is such a successful site. We look out for each other, we support each other. There may well be folk on here with the skills to guide you in the right direction for the help and support you obviously need and I sincerely hope they come forward.
Don't give up on yourself, your partner, your brother, your life.
You have it in you to fight back, even though you currently feel so tired you can't make the effort.
Give yourself a chance to heal, both mentally and physically.
Just don't say life isn't worth it and give up.
At least give it a chance to prove that things can get better for you, not us, not anyone else, but you, so give it a chance.
My best wishes
Sandra
Edited by member 10 Jan 2017 at 19:27
| Reason: Not specified
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Dear Mr A
I was lucky, I have no bad memories from childhood but I did get Gleson 9 advanced PCa age 49, my dad had pca too but our doc never suggested a test although I saw the glint in his eye when he diagnosed me and said ah yes your dad had this too. So for lesser reasons than you I was scared and upset not angry about my situation but I then had my own wake up call. I decided that whatever bad had got me to where I am no good comes from feeling glum about it.
I am no strong hero but I decided to live for today, maybe tomorrow but never worry about what i can't change yesterday or what may never happen in the future. It works for me. I saw a shrink, I decided not to wait for an NHS referral and found my own from their list. So it cost me £60 an hour, what price sanity? Yes I had less to undo and for me it didn't do much apart from make me realise that I didn't need a shrink to enjoy the bits I can today.
Clearly I am not a councillor or similar so what worked for me may not work for anyone else but every day, I work hard mentally to smile and enjoy the things I can like being outdoors, good food, sport etc I hope that by reading this you may be able to focus on some good things whilst sorting out a councillor.
We are all rooting for you here and we all have the same outcome male or female as the reaper gets us all one day but before he raises his scythe I for one want to live the good times my health and rescources will allow.
Take care, keep posting
Kevla
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019 |
User
Mr Angry
In today's world, it's almost as if we are not allowed to be angry. I think you're entitled to be angry. In my dark moments, ive had people tell me to stay positive, to be a glass half full and not a glass half empty type of guy. Well, I've felt like punching a few people recently, but I know they mean well and probably don't know what to say.
I'm 46 and am Gleason 9. I've two teenage kids. My career is probably disrupted. I've got major travel plans. So, at times I'm sad, I'm worried, I'm angry. But predominantly I'm remaining positive and will do my best to be as positive as I can be.
You have been through too much for one individual. I won't offer advice. I just hope you can find some peace.
With every best wish.
Walter
User
On diagnosis I was told I could have 10-15 years if I did nothing and 30-35 years if they got all the cancer. Why did I want to put myself through those possible side effects, I was not going to have any treatment and one of the first things I looked at was how am I going to die ? I bottled getting off the anaesthetists table and had the op. Over four and half years of proding, poking and SRT has changed my views and left me regretting having treatment. I don't very often reply to posts from newbies I would not wish to deter newly diagnosed men from having treatment, for some it works out well.
Thanks Chris
User
User
hi
only advice I can offer is contact McMillan e nurse in your area she can organise counselling with their own people, have had some myself.
regards
nidge
run long and prosper
'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it' |
User
Hello Mr Angry
Your story is utterly awful and I wouldn't be qualified or even know where to start to help you to be honest. My own childhood was very unhappy and my brother and I both have severe ongoing mental health issues. It is because of this that I desperately didn't want surgery , and like you asked to be completely left alone. I more or less still stand by this because I am not cured yet suffer with all the side-effects. I was symptom free at diagnosis.
I had the op done as I am married with children , the youngest being six years old. It is great that you have your rock and a reason to carry on and fight. I haven't had injectable HT yet but did have 11 months on Bicalutamide 150 mg daily which did affect me but not terribly I suppose. It dropped my post op psa from 2.4 to 0.13 and held it there , so I reckon it may be an option for you to try. A lot of people don't understand mental illness , whatever the cause , but it does deeply affect your life and thinking. And it IS your life and your cancer , and quality of life is a major factor in my thinking also. I haven't decided what treatment I may have in the future but rejected RT twice already on the grounds that it wasn't going to cure me. It's good that you posted your feelings and please stay with us
Chris
User
John has bitterly regretted have the op and still sometimes says that he wishes he had just taken a shorter life without these side effects. The fact is, if the cancer had been left untreated it would not have been a short life without the side effects as the impact of advanced prostate cancer would eventually include all of those side effects he wishes he had avoided.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
|
User
At last! Somebody else that isn't all happy & loved up about Prostate Cancer.
Despite a few large "challenges" in my life, including losing my first wife in an accident that left me in hospital for 6 months, I was leading a reasonable existance.
Prostate Cancer has buggered it up.
My wife & I (I remarried) walk to the shops for life's essentials.
I was diagnosed with no symptoms at all in June 2016.
PSA 14.7, Gleason 9.
After prostate removal & radiotherapy, (which seemed the right thing to do at the time), despite constant exercising, I'm still peeing more than a pad can hold and having to wear dark jeans only as they disguise the soaking wet patch a bit better than light jeans.
I no longer enjoy even the thought of a walk as I know I'll be wetting myself at some stage.
I love my wife, we liked having sex. That has stopped.
The operation (and probably also the hormone tablets) have shrunk my penis to a comical size.
I have absolutely zero thoughts about sex ever.
I bought a sports car too......Sold after a short time because that didn't mend anything.
I enjoy......watching TV.
I see folks on here listing PSA numbers years after treatment and in all honesty,
I 'm really not interested in extending my life as I'm just not enjoying the different version I have now.
Everybody has to die at some time, that is a fact.
Extending my life for the sake of just existing may have been (in my opinion & in my circumstances), a mistake.
Life's not just about your final tally of how many days you've lived, surely?
I wish I'd thought for a bit longer before leaping in with both feet for immediate treatment.
Hope this doesn't upset folks, just my honest opinion.
PSA 1 year after operation......very low......Now has risen slightly.
Couldn't care less.
User
Unklian, having read lots of 'positive' posts, letters etc about how wonderful living with prostate cancer is, I too often regret having the treatment. In fact at the first session of RT, I was scheduled to see the consultant to discuss the treatment. All the docs had suggested the RT and Prostap - its a default setting - and before the first dose of RT I asked the consultant about the side effects, life expectancy and so on. Once she had repeated what I had already heard, I asked her straight out how long I would likely live without any treatment. She was direct and said 18 months.
Hand on heart and if I had been single (in a long term relationship then) I would have walked out and taken my chances knowing what I know now. It seems my father took this route and he died aged 69. The side effects for me on Prostap were bloody awful. Getting up 6 times in the night in the months after RT, dizziness, fainting, short term memory loss (makes routine conversation very difficult), pain in joints especially knees and ankles, fatigue, loss of muscle strength, pins and needles in hands and wrists (so bad the consultant thought it might be diabetes) and very bad mood swings with thoughts of jumping off Beachy Head. Like you, no interest in sex at all and penis has halved in size plus have to sit when going for a pee.
I think many people see Prostate Cancer as not so important as other cancers because there are no outward signs and a lot of men say its no big deal blah blah blah. I've been off the Prostap for 10 months now and nothing much has changed. I can sleep a bit better at night now and only get up twice usually. The hair has grown back on my hands and fingers but I still get very tired at set times of the day. I don't think about Beachy head now. No sex interest and my penis has decided to stay the same size.
Thanks for posting your thoughts which seem to be a bit like mine. I too get p****d off with the 'be positive' brigade - well intentioned but seriously misguided - and those who 'think' they know what they are talking about. Until you've actually been here, you don't really know.
Edited by member 17 Aug 2018 at 16:45
| Reason: Not specified
User
I desperately didn’t want treatment aged 48. I was rightly terrified of the results of surgery. I had a mental health crisis team out two weeks before surgery. I walked out of pre op assessment half way through. I was rung constantly daily till I gave in and had surgery which was a total waste of time tbh , being now incurable. Do I want to die ? No not at all. Did I want to live with this ?? No not at all !
It’s a terrible curse especially at a younger age I think. I too was told I may have two years left untreated , but the three years I’ve had have been mostly hell with some nice moments. I think the next few years will be hell also, losing my masculinity and QOL. Sometimes I wish I’d stuck with my firm “no “ !
User
One of the problems when deciding whether to have treatment for PCa is not knowing how you will be personally affected in terms of success and side effects. It's probably true that most men who have treatment that is successful and with minor side effects are happy they had it. This varies until at the other end of the scale men who suffer severely from side effects and or their treatment has to be ongoing may well regret they had it. Maybe consultants could be more helpful in stressing in greater detail the pros and cons of having treatment or rejecting it before the decision is made. But even consultant's often cannot predict outcomes or responses with accuracy and ultimately it's for the patient to decide how far to go having consider potential risks. Perhaps greater help and understanding should be offered to those who fare badly, also taking into account how this can affect men psychologically as well as physically.
Barry |
User
Originally Posted by: Online Community MemberSome men do find the hormone holidays worthwhile, plus there is some reasearch that suggests that if you can manage IHT it delays the point at which you become hormone refractory. Topgun and George are good examples.
I don’t suppose anyone is happy to get any kind of cancer - what is terrible about prostate cancer is that unless you are in the midst of it, it is seen as some kind of pseudo-illness
A very interesting comment Lyn and oh so true! It happened to me only last weekend whilst out on a bike ride with my friends and as we all sprinted the last 400 m to the cafe one of them said to me “are you sure you’re really ill“
User
@ Pallance, I read your story with some interest as it looks like I will need to move south-west to get the best care! Don't get me wrong, Bexley Wing at St James Leeds is great - MRI, CT scan, RT, but the care after I moved house, all 4.5 miles, is a disgrace. As my GP said quite candidly, its a postcode lottery. In this day and age that is unacceptable. Hardly comes as a surprise that this area has one of the lowest life expectancy rates in the UK. http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/Scripts/tinymce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-surprised.gif
It is still early days with your RT and those effects will slowly build. You reminded me of my RT and coming out of the hospital and getting into my van to drive the 10 miles home. I was about 2/3 of the way through 37 doses of RT and I drove home without any problems (as far as I know). I went into the house and then realised I had absolutely no memory of the drive home. I must have been on autopilot and looking back, it was scary as it was a journey through Leeds city and down the M1. My wife insisted on taking me after that.
User
Hi Mr Angry. I have to say it seems to the luck of the draw. I just saw my consultant 7 weeks after finishing the RT and good news my PSA is down to 0.37 and he gave me a blood test form there and then for 3 months time .
i think I am lucky with Southend they have been brilliant in every way. It’s a shame that all hospitals aren’t that good.
Wish you luck with the next test .
Phil
User
I now get you Mr Angry. I think as a newbie I have been terribly nieve. I think I was getting excited about the options, treatment choices and taking at face value feedback from ‘experts’ and making too many quick decisions as if I was helping someone else rather than it affecting me and my family. Not sure I want this journey now.
Its just dawned on me after reading massively on this site the journeys of many of the men and the layers of bullsh1t and false hope that is being peddled. Men are being told they are in remission, told they are in a great position post operatively. Being told that they have ’Persistent PSA’ rather than ‘We didn’t get all of it’.
I don’t even think the Oncs know what any prognostic path looks like. They use euphemisms Like ‘Everyones disease is different’ when what they are really saying Is that they don’t know. Then you get the real bastards, the pharmaceutical companies that price treatments out of most people’s pockets or the new nuclear tech treatments like LEU-177 PSMA that have been on the market for 10 years that will never be available to normal people. I have already been exposed to surgeons who think they are oncologists and can master the diseas. One NHS high volume surgeon at UCLH told me your gonna live to 80 then slipped me his business card and whispered that he could do my surgery privately and perform a new ’stem cell treatment’ that would regrow my nerves back and only he was licensed to do it, latest tech from America.
Pedlers of false hope, profiteers and deceivers who are trained at best to keep the lab rats happy at worst to be indifferent. There is a scene in the movie ‘Man on the moon’ about the life of Andy Kaufman, the scene after he has been diagnosed with cancer where he realises time is running out and searches for a cure. Finds a shaman in some remote village who has powers of cure, he witnesses the shaman apparently extracting cancer with his bare hands from the dying. He lays down before the shaman and then sees the slight of hand trick. And laughs !
Fresh
Base jumping without a parachute should be frowned at, never criticised. Fresh |
User
Because his GP refuses to do the PSA test unless the hospital sends a form - read back in the thread
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
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Mr Angry, I cannot, will not, offer words or advice regarding your Prostate cancer because I have no personal experience of your journey, horrendous as it is, but I am sure, No - I am positive, that those men who understand you will respond and will do so with genuine feeling for you.
On your other issues, well what can anyone say.
Your life has sucked and continues to suck. None of this is your fault. The people you want to kick out at are no longer around to enable you to inflict the sort of punishment you feel they deserve.
Your mother was a victim too.
It was probably very hard for her to admit what her husband had put her through.
What mother wants to inflict the thought of his father raping his mother on a son. Perhaps she thought she was protecting you. Perhaps the idea of sending you away to school was to protect you. She could not have foreseen that you would have "victim" written on your head and would be the prey of another abuser.,
None of us can know what ran through her mind. I would think most of us would find walking in your shoes (both past and present) very difficult but the only one who can control your situation is you.
We can offer you all the support we are capable of and I certainly do, but I am not a counsellor, just an ordinary person who has also had her share of life's unfairness, as indeed do a lot on here.
Your anger has to come out or it will fester and destroy you.
Are you going to let the b******s who ruined your life win. Will they actually take everything from you? Will you allow that
Yes they will. People like you've described have no empathy for others, no love, no saving graces. They are just destroyers but they win if we allow ourselves to be destroyed.
You have a loving partner, somebody you want to marry so presumably somebody who is sharing your load and your journey. Will you make her a victim too because you want to give up?
For a lot of us women it feels like failure when we can't get through to our men. If you are in a loving partnership then the journey has to be shared so that the burden can be halved.
If you have not had a response to your oncology nurse's request for counselling then follow it up. There are many reasons why you haven't heard, the easiest answer being a simple mistake and her request has been overlooked.
You get no joy through her then go to your GP. Don't. please don't assume that nobody cares because that is a sweeping statement and isn't true.
We care. It's why this is such a successful site. We look out for each other, we support each other. There may well be folk on here with the skills to guide you in the right direction for the help and support you obviously need and I sincerely hope they come forward.
Don't give up on yourself, your partner, your brother, your life.
You have it in you to fight back, even though you currently feel so tired you can't make the effort.
Give yourself a chance to heal, both mentally and physically.
Just don't say life isn't worth it and give up.
At least give it a chance to prove that things can get better for you, not us, not anyone else, but you, so give it a chance.
My best wishes
Sandra
Edited by member 10 Jan 2017 at 19:27
| Reason: Not specified
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Dear Mr A
I was lucky, I have no bad memories from childhood but I did get Gleson 9 advanced PCa age 49, my dad had pca too but our doc never suggested a test although I saw the glint in his eye when he diagnosed me and said ah yes your dad had this too. So for lesser reasons than you I was scared and upset not angry about my situation but I then had my own wake up call. I decided that whatever bad had got me to where I am no good comes from feeling glum about it.
I am no strong hero but I decided to live for today, maybe tomorrow but never worry about what i can't change yesterday or what may never happen in the future. It works for me. I saw a shrink, I decided not to wait for an NHS referral and found my own from their list. So it cost me £60 an hour, what price sanity? Yes I had less to undo and for me it didn't do much apart from make me realise that I didn't need a shrink to enjoy the bits I can today.
Clearly I am not a councillor or similar so what worked for me may not work for anyone else but every day, I work hard mentally to smile and enjoy the things I can like being outdoors, good food, sport etc I hope that by reading this you may be able to focus on some good things whilst sorting out a councillor.
We are all rooting for you here and we all have the same outcome male or female as the reaper gets us all one day but before he raises his scythe I for one want to live the good times my health and rescources will allow.
Take care, keep posting
Kevla
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019 |
User
Mr Angry
In today's world, it's almost as if we are not allowed to be angry. I think you're entitled to be angry. In my dark moments, ive had people tell me to stay positive, to be a glass half full and not a glass half empty type of guy. Well, I've felt like punching a few people recently, but I know they mean well and probably don't know what to say.
I'm 46 and am Gleason 9. I've two teenage kids. My career is probably disrupted. I've got major travel plans. So, at times I'm sad, I'm worried, I'm angry. But predominantly I'm remaining positive and will do my best to be as positive as I can be.
You have been through too much for one individual. I won't offer advice. I just hope you can find some peace.
With every best wish.
Walter
User
hi
only advice I can offer is contact McMillan e nurse in your area she can organise counselling with their own people, have had some myself.
regards
nidge
run long and prosper
'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it' |
User
Hello Mr Angry
Your story is utterly awful and I wouldn't be qualified or even know where to start to help you to be honest. My own childhood was very unhappy and my brother and I both have severe ongoing mental health issues. It is because of this that I desperately didn't want surgery , and like you asked to be completely left alone. I more or less still stand by this because I am not cured yet suffer with all the side-effects. I was symptom free at diagnosis.
I had the op done as I am married with children , the youngest being six years old. It is great that you have your rock and a reason to carry on and fight. I haven't had injectable HT yet but did have 11 months on Bicalutamide 150 mg daily which did affect me but not terribly I suppose. It dropped my post op psa from 2.4 to 0.13 and held it there , so I reckon it may be an option for you to try. A lot of people don't understand mental illness , whatever the cause , but it does deeply affect your life and thinking. And it IS your life and your cancer , and quality of life is a major factor in my thinking also. I haven't decided what treatment I may have in the future but rejected RT twice already on the grounds that it wasn't going to cure me. It's good that you posted your feelings and please stay with us
Chris
User
Not much point blaming your dad for giving you cancer - being a male you had an 80% chance of getting it anyway if you lived long enough.
There are members here that have similar experiences and recognise your pain - have lost their only child or both their children, have experienced close family members with cancer, have had late diagnosis and / or doctors who didn't explain things very well. There will also be other men on here who were sexually abused as children; although I can't think of anyone that has posted openly about this the research shows that 16% of the adult population has experienced sexual abuse in their childhood. The difference I think is that there will be very few people that have been through the total everything that you have.
The main thing I would say is that the oncology nurse's response was unforgivable for a professional - all health staff should have had regular training on CSA and how to respond to disclosures.
The second thing is that many survivors are able to put their experience of abuse in a box and get on with their lives - it is a minority that are so badly damaged and continue to struggle throughout adulthood. Those that struggle often share features - abuse from more than one perpetrator, a belief that adults knew but stood by and did nothing, poor education experiences. It seems you tick all the boxes. For what it is worth, most non-abusing parents have no idea that their child is being harmed and those who do know but allow it to continue also share features ... most commonly that they themselves were abused as children or are victims of domestic violence.
Learned people in this area believe that one of the ways to resolve the damage done to you is to speak out. The Children's Commissioner's national review of familial sexual abuse has just closed so you cannot tell your story but you may find it helpful to read the interim findings from last year - you may recognise much of what was concluded. On the other hand, the independent inquiry into institutional abuse (IICSA) has a truth arm to it where anyone that has been abused in a school, children's home, religious organisation etc can tell their story with an assurance that they will be believed. So far, the age of survivors self referring has been small children to people in their 70s and 80s. One setting is being investigated based on a man's testimonial of things that happened to him in 1947. In some cases, totally unrelated people have reported the same teacher's (or social worker or whatever) name. It is never too late to tell your story.
In terms of counselling, perhaps your needs are way beyond the experience of gift of the average oncology counsellor. I would ask you to consider contacting NAPAC first and see if you can start to heal that little boy.
On the matter of your PCa (which is of course what you joined this forum for) I am not sure why you think a change to bicalutimide might be a good idea? What is your thinking on this?
Edited by member 12 Jan 2017 at 21:20
| Reason: Not specified
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
|
User
A stiff neck will heal in time.
Vans can be replaced easily enough.
Most important thing is that you were not more seriously injured.
atb
dave
All we can do - is do all that we can. So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-) I am the statistic. |
User
So another blow for you Mr Angry and again something beyond your control, and I sympathise with you and hope the neck at least is feeling better.
It's a shame that you have read Lyn's post and have a negative attitude to it as she was trying to support you as she does with all of us. She has a wealth of knowledge and is one of the "go to" people for information as she has experience of not only her husband but also her father and father in law having had Prostate cancer.
I don't think anyone reading your original post could be left untouched by it.
We are shocked on your behalf but none of us can wave a magic wand and make it better for you.
All we can do is offer our support and a listening ear and perhaps give any information we can so that you can seek help for yourself.
You are so angry (and I accept that you have every right to be) that perhaps you are seeing everything and every one as trying to do you down and destroy you and perhaps you feel that we aren't responding in a suitably shocked way. I don't know. I do know that we have welcomed you and that we are willing to give you as much support as we practicably can but it's all going to be virtual isn't it ?
The only person who can make a difference is you yourself.
Why would you go to the hospital to see a consultant and before you've even got there think
"I have an appointment with a consultant I have never met, on the 31st January. How that will go I suspect will be a disaster and we will end up in a row."
It doesn't have to be like that. Just because you have had some unfortunate dealings with one lot of medical staff doesn't mean they will all be like that. Go in there seeking information. Get your list of questions sorted before you go in so that you have a plan of what to ask. Take somebody (your fiancee?) with you. It helps when taking in what is being said
The following websites may be of use to you if you go into them. A couple are NAPAC like Lyn said
www.survivorsuk.org/
patient.info/support/napac-national-association-for-people-abused-in-childhood
www.mindingyourhead.info/.../napac-national-association-people-abused-childhood
thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/
Nobody else can do this for you. You have had a s**t life but it will never get better unless YOU take control of it.
You have been a victim.
Don't be that person any longer. Actively sort out your own counselling. Ring Samaritans and ask them for guidance of where to go.
Nobody is going to do anything for you unless YOU make it happen
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Perhaps out of the darkness comes light
A new start for both of you. I don't suggest that you can put everything behind you, I'm sure that's impossible but a new home together is a new beginning.
I wish you both well and for you, I wish you peace and acceptance.
The past cannot ever be undone. But the future can be re-made and you have just the lady to do it with
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Mr angry, it sounds like u have a lot going on for you at the moment and you need people to listen to u and you want people to know how U feel and what u are saying.
I don't think counselling will work for you at the moment, maybe in time look at the napac website as they are the 'professionals' in that area. I understand from what U have said that you seem to be at a loss at the moment. Your journey could be a long one and will be a journey that you may walk forever.
Edited by member 25 Jan 2017 at 11:46
| Reason: Not specified
Peace out 👍 |
User
Yes you have to nag and be a nuisance sometimes just to get a reasonable standard of care, the 4% pay rise for treatment comitee is particularly galling!
I live in Wales but it is common here to be treated over the border because of the geography. Wales NHS were happy for me to be treated in England but wouldn't pay for any follow up. For this I was supposed to go miles away and see someone else!! Fortunately I was able to join my company scheme and see my consultant privately. So much for a National health service!
User
Hi Mr Angry,
I hope you are feeling better in yourself? I saw your original post when you put it on .
You are not alone in having a difficult past and I found I had dealt with it all until the HT kicked in .
I have a great counsellor who is trying to help me understand my feelings and put them back where they belong - in the past.
I have Gleason 9 and waiting for results after Brachy and RT so my mind is a bit messed up at the moment. I can’t imagine how yours was as my past wasn’t quite so difficult , but still unpleasant, left me scarred and I couldn’t put it on here.
I believe there are others on here who have suffered, in the past and through the HT and don’t say anything , which I can understand. It’s not easy to say the things you did.
I just wish you all the best and hope you come out the other side OK.
Edited by member 16 Aug 2018 at 20:18
| Reason: Not specified
User
Hi, thanks for the reply. Since getting off the Prostap things have been returning to 'normal' but it is a slow process. After 6 months no change then during the last 3 months hair has started to grow back on my hands and fingers and I can almost sleep through at night.
Perhaps you are right about the treatment affecting my thinking as we went on holiday recently to the town where a part of my childhood happened. We stayed there for 2 nights and looked up places I had not seen in almost 60 years. It brought back memories but with help from 2 cousins I haven't seen since 1956 (contacted via Facebook) I found my grandparents house, their bakery and shop and the swimming baths etc etc. It has given me some peace about it all.
Just hope that when I go back on Prostap/Zoladex/Bicalutamide things don't deteriorate.
My avatar is a picture of me aged about 7 learning to ride a bike. I kept falling off but my brother learned immediately so I sat on the grass finding a blade of grass very interesting to look at......
Edited by member 16 Aug 2018 at 20:33
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User
At last! Somebody else that isn't all happy & loved up about Prostate Cancer.
Despite a few large "challenges" in my life, including losing my first wife in an accident that left me in hospital for 6 months, I was leading a reasonable existance.
Prostate Cancer has buggered it up.
My wife & I (I remarried) walk to the shops for life's essentials.
I was diagnosed with no symptoms at all in June 2016.
PSA 14.7, Gleason 9.
After prostate removal & radiotherapy, (which seemed the right thing to do at the time), despite constant exercising, I'm still peeing more than a pad can hold and having to wear dark jeans only as they disguise the soaking wet patch a bit better than light jeans.
I no longer enjoy even the thought of a walk as I know I'll be wetting myself at some stage.
I love my wife, we liked having sex. That has stopped.
The operation (and probably also the hormone tablets) have shrunk my penis to a comical size.
I have absolutely zero thoughts about sex ever.
I bought a sports car too......Sold after a short time because that didn't mend anything.
I enjoy......watching TV.
I see folks on here listing PSA numbers years after treatment and in all honesty,
I 'm really not interested in extending my life as I'm just not enjoying the different version I have now.
Everybody has to die at some time, that is a fact.
Extending my life for the sake of just existing may have been (in my opinion & in my circumstances), a mistake.
Life's not just about your final tally of how many days you've lived, surely?
I wish I'd thought for a bit longer before leaping in with both feet for immediate treatment.
Hope this doesn't upset folks, just my honest opinion.
PSA 1 year after operation......very low......Now has risen slightly.
Couldn't care less.
User
John has bitterly regretted have the op and still sometimes says that he wishes he had just taken a shorter life without these side effects. The fact is, if the cancer had been left untreated it would not have been a short life without the side effects as the impact of advanced prostate cancer would eventually include all of those side effects he wishes he had avoided.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
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Unklian, having read lots of 'positive' posts, letters etc about how wonderful living with prostate cancer is, I too often regret having the treatment. In fact at the first session of RT, I was scheduled to see the consultant to discuss the treatment. All the docs had suggested the RT and Prostap - its a default setting - and before the first dose of RT I asked the consultant about the side effects, life expectancy and so on. Once she had repeated what I had already heard, I asked her straight out how long I would likely live without any treatment. She was direct and said 18 months.
Hand on heart and if I had been single (in a long term relationship then) I would have walked out and taken my chances knowing what I know now. It seems my father took this route and he died aged 69. The side effects for me on Prostap were bloody awful. Getting up 6 times in the night in the months after RT, dizziness, fainting, short term memory loss (makes routine conversation very difficult), pain in joints especially knees and ankles, fatigue, loss of muscle strength, pins and needles in hands and wrists (so bad the consultant thought it might be diabetes) and very bad mood swings with thoughts of jumping off Beachy Head. Like you, no interest in sex at all and penis has halved in size plus have to sit when going for a pee.
I think many people see Prostate Cancer as not so important as other cancers because there are no outward signs and a lot of men say its no big deal blah blah blah. I've been off the Prostap for 10 months now and nothing much has changed. I can sleep a bit better at night now and only get up twice usually. The hair has grown back on my hands and fingers but I still get very tired at set times of the day. I don't think about Beachy head now. No sex interest and my penis has decided to stay the same size.
Thanks for posting your thoughts which seem to be a bit like mine. I too get p****d off with the 'be positive' brigade - well intentioned but seriously misguided - and those who 'think' they know what they are talking about. Until you've actually been here, you don't really know.
Edited by member 17 Aug 2018 at 16:45
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User
On diagnosis I was told I could have 10-15 years if I did nothing and 30-35 years if they got all the cancer. Why did I want to put myself through those possible side effects, I was not going to have any treatment and one of the first things I looked at was how am I going to die ? I bottled getting off the anaesthetists table and had the op. Over four and half years of proding, poking and SRT has changed my views and left me regretting having treatment. I don't very often reply to posts from newbies I would not wish to deter newly diagnosed men from having treatment, for some it works out well.
Thanks Chris
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I desperately didn’t want treatment aged 48. I was rightly terrified of the results of surgery. I had a mental health crisis team out two weeks before surgery. I walked out of pre op assessment half way through. I was rung constantly daily till I gave in and had surgery which was a total waste of time tbh , being now incurable. Do I want to die ? No not at all. Did I want to live with this ?? No not at all !
It’s a terrible curse especially at a younger age I think. I too was told I may have two years left untreated , but the three years I’ve had have been mostly hell with some nice moments. I think the next few years will be hell also, losing my masculinity and QOL. Sometimes I wish I’d stuck with my firm “no “ !
User
One of the problems when deciding whether to have treatment for PCa is not knowing how you will be personally affected in terms of success and side effects. It's probably true that most men who have treatment that is successful and with minor side effects are happy they had it. This varies until at the other end of the scale men who suffer severely from side effects and or their treatment has to be ongoing may well regret they had it. Maybe consultants could be more helpful in stressing in greater detail the pros and cons of having treatment or rejecting it before the decision is made. But even consultant's often cannot predict outcomes or responses with accuracy and ultimately it's for the patient to decide how far to go having consider potential risks. Perhaps greater help and understanding should be offered to those who fare badly, also taking into account how this can affect men psychologically as well as physically.
Barry |